Newsletter 10: Cookies, Bananas, and the Search for Meaning

March 2024

It’s spring here. Our river walks have become tinged with bright green and the lovely sound of woodpeckers tapping out an edm beat for a secret tree club I’m too big to enter. The daffodils are bright and our tulips are gone because the deer love to nibble them. And as I feel my brain waking up from the winter gray, I find myself thinking about the year to come. What I need to do, what I want to do, and what I should do.

Should: A strange, meaningless sort of word. The older I get the more I think about how meaningless the word ‘should’ actually is. I like this about the passage of time. I’m sloughing off the old dead leaves and creating room for new green sprouts. But if I’m not doing things because I should, why am I doing them? Why am I doing anything at all? It’s a scary question.

So I’m doing what I always do with scary questions, when I don’t know something I want to know, when I don’t understand something I want to understand. I’m contemplating the questions with intention and silence. I’m also talking about them with trusted people. A lot. And I’m devouring information.

Last September I watched Live to 100: Secrets of the Blue Zones on Netflix. The Blue Zone studies suggest that a healthy diet, exercise, sleep, belonging, stress reduction, and purpose are all keys to healthy aging.

Purpose: Another word for ‘why’.

I’m very suspicious belonging and purpose play a larger role in a healthy life than diet and exercise. (Have you seen the woman who lived to 104 while drinking three Dr Pepper’s a day?) I also believe that having a strong sense of purpose and belonging play a very large part in stress management. And I’m certain purpose is a requirement for a fulfilled life.

Post-college (and some very unhealthy lifestyle choices) I’ve crafted a life that involves healthy eating, exercise in nature, and — with some focused effort — a practice of good sleep. But belonging, purpose, and stress reduction; these things do not come to me easily. I practice toward them continually. But I don’t feel skilled at them. And I want them to be a strong part of my life. My current conundrum: do I choose my purpose, belonging, and meaning, or does my purpose, belonging, and meaning choose me? And will I recognize them when I see them?

I’ve always assumed that as I age, I will become clearer and clearer on my why. I see older women with their refined personal style, their don’t-give-a-shit-attitude, and their inner sparkle and mischievousness — which I’ve always attributed to their ability to see the Matrix, and then fuck with it. But when do I get invited to that club? When do I wake up and suddenly know my why? Shouldn’t I know it by now?

However, age is a funny thing. Depending on who I’m speaking with I am either young, old, super old, or middle-aged. In actuality though, there is no definitive scale for determining how old or young I am. I am young and old at the same time. My age exists only in relation to other people’s age. (And, according to my doctors, whether or not my blood tests line up with assumed averages for my chronological age.) I guess, right now, I’m Liminal age. Not old, not young. Just existing somewhere in the middle of a relative scale we all know ends.

So, is there a point along this scale where purpose is waiting? Because right now, I feel like I’m downtown, window shopping for purpose. Is it this? Is it that? That’s pretty. That’s interesting. Is it me though? Maybe I’ll just get a hot chocolate and a cookie and come back tomorrow. I can’t impulse purchase purpose. Can I? Unless… it’s like that one time I randomly bought a one dollar ceramic cat at a garage sale and now they are one of my absolute favorite decorations… Argh! What do I do?!

Maybe this is a mid-life crisis. Or not. I’m honestly not sure. I am prone to having at least one minor existential crisis before lunch, so maybe this is just the extended version? But this feels different. So I’m digging. I’m searching my soul and my ever-growing tbr pile. I’m writing poems and essays and stories. I’m sifting through the wisdom of friends and family, both here and gone. And I’m trying to center the search for meaning and purpose over the fear of aging. Because right now I can’t imagine doing anything else.

I’d love if you popped into the comments to share what is bringing you purpose and meaning at this moment in your life.

And you can read more of my musing on aging in my article, You’re Never the Write Age.

Life Adventures

One very cool thing about getting older is that I am becoming more and more comfortable with myself and embracing all my quirks and eccentricities. And I love to laugh at myself. Case in point:

Absently passing a table of Girl Scout cookies as we left the grocery store the other day, we of course doubled back to survey the options. I mean, we’re pro-girl and pro-cookie so how could we not stop? We asked the mother-daughter team if they had any vegan cookies. They gave us a quick and immediate answer. Yes! Thin mints are vegan. They seemed to be ready with them before we asked. So we purchased a box and headed back to the car. It was only as we loaded the trunk that I realized the whole time I was talking to the cookie people I was carrying two large boxes of mixed greens and Adam was carrying two large bunches of bananas. No wonder the mother-daughter duo was ready with a vegan option. Could we be any more stereotypically vegan? (I’m just glad they couldn’t see the three boxes of tofu in the bag.) 😂

Are We There Yet?

I still feel like I’m trying to wake up from this winter. (Anyone else?) But we’ve made some good, albeit slow, progress on our projects.

Lucky (my spicy romance novel) is coming along nicely. And Bones (book two in the Discovery of Legends) is also moving forward, although a bit more slowly. We’re currently working on creating a shareable wiki to make sure we keep all our through-threads cohesive. It’s a big story with a lot of characters which means there’s a lot of information to keep organized.

But, the biggest thing that’s happened this month is that we’ve got all our Manly Hero rerelease readers lined up and have sent them notes and books! We’re really looking forward to reading their notes and suggestions. And are super grateful for them and the time they are taking to help us. :)

I’m also still looking for cover artists and cover designers for both Manly Hero (and the future Discovery of Legends books) as well as for Lucky. So if you know of anyone who fits either or both of those descriptions please feel free to DM me or drop a recommendation in the comments section.

Buy Me A Cup of Tea

Adam (my tech unicorn) has set me up with a Buy Me A Coffee account. Which of course we immediately renamed Buy Me A Cup of Tea. It gives you the chance to throw a dollar (or three or five) in my virtual tip jar for any of my writing that you enjoy. It won’t be linked here, in any of my personal monthly newsletters, because these will always be free. But you will find it in my stories, poems, essays, and posts on writing. (There will be a button at the bottom of those posts.)

Also, you may have seen the button in my most recent email — the cozy sci-fi short story Mittens Saves the Day Again, For the First time — but as I typed it late at night, I made a mistake so the link in the email was broken. I’ve now fixed it in the actual post and will make sure to copy and paste it in the future to avoid late night typos. 😝

If you feel like tossing a dollar or two into the jar it’s always greatly appreciated. As are your comments and likes. :)

Bye For Now

I hope you are feeling connected to your purpose, embracing whatever stage of life you are in, and leaving cookie vendors laughing at your overt you-ness. 

Love you, Petra ❤️

P.S. Remember to pop into the comments and share something that is bringing you purpose and meaning. I’d really love to read them.

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Thanks for reading! As an indie author, I really appreciate your support. :)

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I am currently permitting comments on these posts. As always, this means I’m trusting you the reader to give me the benefit of the doubt if I say something weird, or create space for something which doesn’t align with what you think or where you are in your journey, just as I’ll do for you. And please extend the same courtesy to fellow commenters. This is a space to respect each other and the fact that being human is both amazingly beautiful and fucking complicated. Thank you for your respect.