Great post Petra! Personally I've never felt like I belong anywhere, always sitting on the edges of whatever group I may find myself wandering into. At 54 I'm still non the wiser on how to make this happen either, but I have found some sense of belonging and acceptance in the Substack world, and in the poetry community, so I guess that is my purpose... The key is to never stop asking questions I think, and always be gentle and open as you ask them making space for the replies, however they may come.
Belonging is a tough one. And I agree. Always asking questions is a big part of it all.
I'm so glad you're finding some with poetry and Substack. And I agree. You and Jo are both right. I really do love our Poetry Adventure community here on Substack. 😊 And I'm glad you're part of it!
I’m downtown, window shopping for purpose too. I thought I would find it when I had kids, and yes they bring a level of purpose to my life, but motherhood alone doesn't fill my cup. I'm still seeking external fulfilment and creative endeavours that go beyond being a mum. Sometimes I think finding and acknowledging joy in our everyday existence, no matter how small, helps to bring more meaning to our lives.
It's been so heartening to learn I'm not the only one window shopping. :) And I love finding myself in good company. Thank you for adding your experience, Tania.
And I agree, acknowledging everyday joy is something I keep inviting into my life. (Although it goes better some days than others.) Right now I'm very excited about a delicious tea. :)
Finally getting back here to read this after too many days. Thanks so much for writing it. I know exactly what you mean about purpose and belonging. Being so often in a caretaking role (with kids and my mother) I feel like I live in this zone of planning/advising/troubleshooting largely on behalf of other people. It's not that it's a bad thing. Supporting my mostly-adult kids is very rewarding. I imagine myself as that character in all the spy movies who is in the hero's comms or sitting in front of a bank of computers, ready to respond in an emergency. They handle a lot of things all on their own now, but there are the "Hey, Ma" calls: Can we talk through my class schedule for next semester? Can you proofread this tricky email before I send it? Laundry questions. Friend trouble. After so many years of hands-on parenting, I really relish this new advisory role, like a consulting gig as a first step to retirement. It's less rewarding with my Mom because so much of it is reactionary; medication issues, billing issues, taxes, trips to the ER, with none of the laughter and closeness remaining that I have with the kids. I'm trying to create a sort of on-ramp to that next phase when my mom is gone and the kids are increasingly independent, but it feels like a lot of work - like trying to live two lives at once. Honestly, writing here on Substack and meeting all of these lovely people, present company very much included, has given me the first real "all mine" thing in my life in a very long time. It's not a replacement for a sense of purpose and belonging, but it has given me more confidence as a writer and a really comforting sense of community.
When you said you imagine yourself in a spy movie, I immediately imagined Melissa McCarthy in Spy. Juggling so much, so knowledgeable, so awesome. It’s great that you’re that source for your kids. :)
And I can only imagine how complex being that person for your mother is when the remembered connections have shifted or faded.
An “on-ramp to that next phase” is a great description. And it is so much work! I feel like I’m building the ramp, but I haven’t seen the highway I’m building towards yet. (Fingers crossed it’s there.)
I’m so glad that Substack is a space just for you. And yay for more confidence as a writer! That’s so awesome. And agreed, I’m very glad we’re both part of each other's collective community here. :)
Ah yes, the dreaded Should! I've also been working hard at eradicating this word, not just from my speech, but my whole psyche! It has gotten easier with age, but Should does still creep up on me (I have to beat it back with a stick!). I tend to agree having a purpose and people makes a huge difference in a long, fulfilling life. I suspect, for many of us, writing provides a lot of purpose and meaning-making! As always, thank you for sharing your authentic thoughts us, Petra (oh, and I am becoming a fast fan of Manly!) 😉
"Should" is a sneaky sort. 😝 And I agree, I love that here on Substack I am meeting so many people who use writing to find and provide meaning. It's so cool. :)
(And hooray! I'm super stoked you're enjoying the book so far. 😀)
Writing regularly and sharing my writing here has changed a lot for me. I was just remarking in Notes that it feels like the final piece clicked into place. As a kid and a teenager, I sank deep into my feelings and my poems and essays, pretty blind/unconcerned by outside opinions (at least, compared to now). As a college student, I was fiercely dedicated to writing, but slowly losing steam and confidence by the time I started grad school. I couldn't stop comparing myself to the other poets, and wondering why I couldn't "get better." Now, twenty-plus years later, I'm finally finding my feet again--so happy to be writing again, even when hard things are happening inches away. I'm not escaping into writing, either--I'm letting it be part of my life again, writing about the difficult parts and the good parts. It's such a gift.
This is amazing, Margaret! Thanks for sharing. I love hearing that your writing is bringing you so much joy and meaning. ✨
Letting writing be "part of your life" is a beautiful way to describe it.
Writing is definitely one path of many I walk to find and figure out meaning. And it's so cool to be able to find people that share in that experience here. 😊
This resonates with me so much! I feel like I'm at that liminal age too. My toddler looks at me like I am a capital-A adult with all the knowledge in the universe... and then I turn around and feel like a lost kid when I talk to adultier-adults. I definitely haven't found an overarching Purpose or Why, but I'm finding some peace in thinking about looking for the purpose or why in a particular moment in life, expecting it to change as circumstances change. I just finished reading Becky Chambers' Monk & Robot books which wrestle with those questions of purpose a lot, and the idea of just Being being enough.
“I’m finding some peace in thinking about looking for the purpose or why in a particular moment in life, expecting it to change as circumstances change” is a beautiful approach to it, Holly! I'm adding this to my approach-to-purpose notes.
And I haven’t read the Chambers books. But I’ll check them out.
Also, adultier-adult is an amazing description! It should come somewhere between new adult and senior, but I’m not sure where. Now I feel like we need to invent even more stage of life titles. (new senior, young adultier-adult, etc) 😂
Such great things to ponder, Petra. And the pondering is a big part of it all. As is curiosity. That's been my word this year and, unknowingly, my whole life. If you enter the world with curiosity, the rest will come. But belonging takes work. I find that trying things, and approaching them with curiosity, will get you closer to belonging. For example, around 2 years ago, I decided I wanted to learn more about tarot and pagan traditions so I travelled to the outer suburbs to hang out with a group that I enjoy to this day, beyond the original reason I started going. That's belonging. As is my monthly embroidery group. As is creating monthlong poetry writing prompts on substack and championing the work of others ;) In terms of meaning and purpose, I'm currently studying philosophy and I've found that reading Plato has changed my thinking a lot. The suggestion is that to have a good life is to flourish, which can be defined individually. So perhaps ask, what does it mean for me to flourish?
Everything that you write about in this post sounds like flourishing. It's a much gentler approach to the purpose wuestion.
PS. Of course you can impulse buy purpose. Just ask Elon Musk.
Thanks for the thoughtful reply, Jo! Curiosity is a great word. A good companion to travel through life with. And your examples are wonderful and give me things to think about. Along with your suggestion of Plato, whom I've not read since university. I'll add him to my tbr pile.
I've not thought about replacing the word purpose. It's an interesting idea. I'll definitely sit with that because the word 'flourish' is lovely and sounds alive and flexible and open to possibility.
And yes, I love our Poetry Adventure community here on Substack! Thanks for being part of it. 😀
“Should” is such a b.s. word. It implies “not enough” my personal scare monster (think Monsters Inc). The older I get the more I think “should” needs to be dropped from my vocabulary. I suppose it’s similar to “try” for Yoda. Do or do not, there is not “should”🤪 thank you for this post, aging and Girl Scout cookies are always a great topic 💜
Great post Petra! Personally I've never felt like I belong anywhere, always sitting on the edges of whatever group I may find myself wandering into. At 54 I'm still non the wiser on how to make this happen either, but I have found some sense of belonging and acceptance in the Substack world, and in the poetry community, so I guess that is my purpose... The key is to never stop asking questions I think, and always be gentle and open as you ask them making space for the replies, however they may come.
Thanks, Lisa! :)
Belonging is a tough one. And I agree. Always asking questions is a big part of it all.
I'm so glad you're finding some with poetry and Substack. And I agree. You and Jo are both right. I really do love our Poetry Adventure community here on Substack. 😊 And I'm glad you're part of it!
I’m downtown, window shopping for purpose too. I thought I would find it when I had kids, and yes they bring a level of purpose to my life, but motherhood alone doesn't fill my cup. I'm still seeking external fulfilment and creative endeavours that go beyond being a mum. Sometimes I think finding and acknowledging joy in our everyday existence, no matter how small, helps to bring more meaning to our lives.
It's been so heartening to learn I'm not the only one window shopping. :) And I love finding myself in good company. Thank you for adding your experience, Tania.
And I agree, acknowledging everyday joy is something I keep inviting into my life. (Although it goes better some days than others.) Right now I'm very excited about a delicious tea. :)
Finally getting back here to read this after too many days. Thanks so much for writing it. I know exactly what you mean about purpose and belonging. Being so often in a caretaking role (with kids and my mother) I feel like I live in this zone of planning/advising/troubleshooting largely on behalf of other people. It's not that it's a bad thing. Supporting my mostly-adult kids is very rewarding. I imagine myself as that character in all the spy movies who is in the hero's comms or sitting in front of a bank of computers, ready to respond in an emergency. They handle a lot of things all on their own now, but there are the "Hey, Ma" calls: Can we talk through my class schedule for next semester? Can you proofread this tricky email before I send it? Laundry questions. Friend trouble. After so many years of hands-on parenting, I really relish this new advisory role, like a consulting gig as a first step to retirement. It's less rewarding with my Mom because so much of it is reactionary; medication issues, billing issues, taxes, trips to the ER, with none of the laughter and closeness remaining that I have with the kids. I'm trying to create a sort of on-ramp to that next phase when my mom is gone and the kids are increasingly independent, but it feels like a lot of work - like trying to live two lives at once. Honestly, writing here on Substack and meeting all of these lovely people, present company very much included, has given me the first real "all mine" thing in my life in a very long time. It's not a replacement for a sense of purpose and belonging, but it has given me more confidence as a writer and a really comforting sense of community.
Thanks for sharing, Tara!
When you said you imagine yourself in a spy movie, I immediately imagined Melissa McCarthy in Spy. Juggling so much, so knowledgeable, so awesome. It’s great that you’re that source for your kids. :)
And I can only imagine how complex being that person for your mother is when the remembered connections have shifted or faded.
An “on-ramp to that next phase” is a great description. And it is so much work! I feel like I’m building the ramp, but I haven’t seen the highway I’m building towards yet. (Fingers crossed it’s there.)
I’m so glad that Substack is a space just for you. And yay for more confidence as a writer! That’s so awesome. And agreed, I’m very glad we’re both part of each other's collective community here. :)
Ah yes, the dreaded Should! I've also been working hard at eradicating this word, not just from my speech, but my whole psyche! It has gotten easier with age, but Should does still creep up on me (I have to beat it back with a stick!). I tend to agree having a purpose and people makes a huge difference in a long, fulfilling life. I suspect, for many of us, writing provides a lot of purpose and meaning-making! As always, thank you for sharing your authentic thoughts us, Petra (oh, and I am becoming a fast fan of Manly!) 😉
"Should" is a sneaky sort. 😝 And I agree, I love that here on Substack I am meeting so many people who use writing to find and provide meaning. It's so cool. :)
(And hooray! I'm super stoked you're enjoying the book so far. 😀)
Writing regularly and sharing my writing here has changed a lot for me. I was just remarking in Notes that it feels like the final piece clicked into place. As a kid and a teenager, I sank deep into my feelings and my poems and essays, pretty blind/unconcerned by outside opinions (at least, compared to now). As a college student, I was fiercely dedicated to writing, but slowly losing steam and confidence by the time I started grad school. I couldn't stop comparing myself to the other poets, and wondering why I couldn't "get better." Now, twenty-plus years later, I'm finally finding my feet again--so happy to be writing again, even when hard things are happening inches away. I'm not escaping into writing, either--I'm letting it be part of my life again, writing about the difficult parts and the good parts. It's such a gift.
This is amazing, Margaret! Thanks for sharing. I love hearing that your writing is bringing you so much joy and meaning. ✨
Letting writing be "part of your life" is a beautiful way to describe it.
Writing is definitely one path of many I walk to find and figure out meaning. And it's so cool to be able to find people that share in that experience here. 😊
I feel the same way, Petra! Thank you for making your comments a place for people to process stuff together :).
This resonates with me so much! I feel like I'm at that liminal age too. My toddler looks at me like I am a capital-A adult with all the knowledge in the universe... and then I turn around and feel like a lost kid when I talk to adultier-adults. I definitely haven't found an overarching Purpose or Why, but I'm finding some peace in thinking about looking for the purpose or why in a particular moment in life, expecting it to change as circumstances change. I just finished reading Becky Chambers' Monk & Robot books which wrestle with those questions of purpose a lot, and the idea of just Being being enough.
“I’m finding some peace in thinking about looking for the purpose or why in a particular moment in life, expecting it to change as circumstances change” is a beautiful approach to it, Holly! I'm adding this to my approach-to-purpose notes.
And I haven’t read the Chambers books. But I’ll check them out.
Also, adultier-adult is an amazing description! It should come somewhere between new adult and senior, but I’m not sure where. Now I feel like we need to invent even more stage of life titles. (new senior, young adultier-adult, etc) 😂
Such great things to ponder, Petra. And the pondering is a big part of it all. As is curiosity. That's been my word this year and, unknowingly, my whole life. If you enter the world with curiosity, the rest will come. But belonging takes work. I find that trying things, and approaching them with curiosity, will get you closer to belonging. For example, around 2 years ago, I decided I wanted to learn more about tarot and pagan traditions so I travelled to the outer suburbs to hang out with a group that I enjoy to this day, beyond the original reason I started going. That's belonging. As is my monthly embroidery group. As is creating monthlong poetry writing prompts on substack and championing the work of others ;) In terms of meaning and purpose, I'm currently studying philosophy and I've found that reading Plato has changed my thinking a lot. The suggestion is that to have a good life is to flourish, which can be defined individually. So perhaps ask, what does it mean for me to flourish?
Everything that you write about in this post sounds like flourishing. It's a much gentler approach to the purpose wuestion.
PS. Of course you can impulse buy purpose. Just ask Elon Musk.
Thanks for the thoughtful reply, Jo! Curiosity is a great word. A good companion to travel through life with. And your examples are wonderful and give me things to think about. Along with your suggestion of Plato, whom I've not read since university. I'll add him to my tbr pile.
I've not thought about replacing the word purpose. It's an interesting idea. I'll definitely sit with that because the word 'flourish' is lovely and sounds alive and flexible and open to possibility.
And yes, I love our Poetry Adventure community here on Substack! Thanks for being part of it. 😀
Now, if I just had Musk money...
“Should” is such a b.s. word. It implies “not enough” my personal scare monster (think Monsters Inc). The older I get the more I think “should” needs to be dropped from my vocabulary. I suppose it’s similar to “try” for Yoda. Do or do not, there is not “should”🤪 thank you for this post, aging and Girl Scout cookies are always a great topic 💜
Yes! And who's 'should' am I listening to anyway?
Also, bonus points for two movie references. I'm always here for the movie references! 😀